Sane no more? | prythrob's Blog

It is becoming increasingly obvious that my current state of mind is not sustainable. None of my usual safety-valves seem to work anymore. Even the gracious help of Mistress as a temporary break to my obsession hasn’t been able to stop me running headlong towards the abyss.
It seems likely to me now that what shreds on sanity I have left will soon be gone and with it all thoughts of self-preservation will be swept aside. Why preserver to pursue a dream that others reject out of hand as impossible or insane.
I know there are people in the world in much greater pain and distress than me, but I can only speak for myself. I can only write about what I feel inside, about how tired I am of shouting against the wind of sanity and reason.
So what’s next? Go and see a doctor? What do I tell him/her?
“So what appears to be the problem?”
“Well I’m very depressed and not sure if I can really go on doctor”
“I’m sorry to hear that. Do you know why you are feeling this way? What has brought this on?”
“Yes. I haven’t been able to find a woman who will put me in her washing machine or throw me away with her garbage, put me in her dishwasher or ........”
At this point the doctor will either be rolling around the floor laughing or tell me I am wasting his/her time and tell me to get lost never to darken the surgery again. After all the doctor would have patients who live with constant agony, terminally ill patients, patients with proper problems etc. I’d be there moaning about being depressed in relation to some stupid obsession. I don’t think I’d get (or honestly deserve) much sympathy. Do you?
The other rather obvious solution is of course suicide. As I’ve always said in my ravings, although being put into a washing machine would most likely kill me, I have never considered myself suicidal.
Some of you may have seen a confession I wrote and posted temporarily a few weeks ago where I confessed to contemplating suicide at a low point I reached between Christmas and New Year. I had even gone to the trouble of writing a note. The only reason I am still hear is that Mistress replied to my email and said ‘yes’. Had that email arrived a few hours later I most likely would not be here writing this or would have seriously injured myself.
Now I unfortunately lost my friend to suicide about 6 years ago. The devastating effect it had on my friend’s family and the pain and guilt it inflicted on them has always lead me in the past to dismiss any possibility that I would follow the same route. How could I be so selfish and inflict the same pain and grief on my own family?
I know some may be thinking “If you got into a washing machine as you wish, you’d be doing that anyway!” That is a fair point, but I’m not talking about death in relation to one of my fantasies but suicide as stand-alone means of ending it. Now that my disappointment and disillusionment has become so great I honestly find it easy to dismiss such considerations for those left behind. Which in itself is a scary thought.
If I wasn’t being so serious I would find the idea of a 40+ year old man feeling depressed and suicidal because he couldn’t be part of a process designed for clothing, which would most likely kill him anyway rather laughable!
I’ve always had back-up plans when it came to my two main fantasies. I’ve most likely mentioned them before. Either to climb into a dumpster on collection day (I already have black bags big enough to conceal myself inside) and wait to be collected or try and sneak into the soiled laundry at an industrial laundry establishment or hotel at a point where the process becomes automated. Of course both of these would indeed be considered suicide but as I’ve already said that is no longer a real barrier.
So what will happen when the last dim light of my sanity finally goes out? When that last spark of me is no more? Has it in fact already gone out? Have I been trying to hide the fact that I haven’t been sane for a long time from myself?

My mood: very Unstable